So this week the general dictator at my store decided it would be a stupendous idea to have a sidewalk sale in front of the store. Nothing says good old fashioned savings like throwing a few tables out front of a store and selling some old crap that no one has purchased at lower prices. The only problem with this scenario is that my store is on the West Side of Chicago. Instead of buy me, all of the items neatly arrayed on tables scream steal me, and run quick there is no door to stop you!
Being deemed one of the expendable people with no definite purpose at the store I had the honor of baby sitting the tables of junk for the past two days. Its not a terrible job, answer questions on how much things cost and where to pay. But I was exposed to some of the most interesting people.
First off, I have pretty clear handwriting. One of my fellow co workers couldn't stop complementing me on my handwriting during this whole ordeal (that person is a whole other story of booze and bewilderment), I guess having learned the Palmer method in grade school puts me ahead in life. So I make these nice, clear, concise 5x7 signs and place them directly below each item. Needless to say I was asked, cuanto cuesta, more times than I can count.
The little annoyance of being asked dumb questions isn't the kicker of the experience. It kind of goes along with how I don't really care about my job. One of the items was a box cutter that was priced at 2 bucks, and it had a 2 dollar rebate, making it pretty much free. So what is the item that I saw go into a pocket, and found the most empty packages, its this dumb knife. I just cant wait until the homeys that took them try to use them, they are so poorly made that it won't even cut the packaging that they were in.
I did get to be exposed to some team members from throughout the store who I only see in passing. It was nice to hear some interesting stories about going to clubs and getting smacked around by ladies, stories of strippers, and explanations on why the state of Florida is getting bigger because of global warming. Its kindof fun to just listen and nod your head without laughing out loud.
Some of the best observations at work are always from the customers. One middle aged couple saw this super sale item and just had to have it. They talked my ear off on how it was the best item ever and how its going to make their house so awesome. They have a teal colored bathroom, and they wanted to spice it up with a bit more color. And it was their luck that we had the perfect item reduced to 100 from 600. Now I have seen my share of ugly house products but this one is in the top ten of 2011. It is a desert rose pink 3 piece preformed shower, 7 ft tall of pure pepto. And then picture the nasty of a teal and pink bathroom, it makes me think of Miami Vice.
One of the best guests I've had in a while came in today. As he walked up I knew there was something off, he had a bit of a stagger and a slight list. The other problem he had was when he got dressed to come to the hardware he put on a blue shirt, long black socks, and white shoes. The black socks and white shoes isn't the height of fashion, but its tolerable if you remember the rest of your outfit, especially to apply pants. This gentleman was wearing boxers without pants. You might shrug it off and say, oh they were just running shorts, or some 80's short shorts. Nope, they were boxers, and the fly didn't have a button closure. So between the tables of stuff and this guy I definitely saw enough junk today.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
Strews
So in working in the elegant community that I am so fortunate to travel to every day. Our guests come up with their own terms for items. One of the most common is the strew. Of the odd names people come up with its really not that far off from its actual name of screw. But its kindof funny when you are spending your day working in the screw aisle to get a chuckle when someone calls you ignant for not finding the screw for their babies crib that they bought out of a back of a truck with no hardware.
Working in the screw aisle is one of the most miserable things to do at my store. Some people like it because its a time waster, but I see it more like serving time. There are over 3,000 different screws in the aisle, each put out of place. It like a lego set without the instructions, or mixing 3 of those 10,000 piece puzzles together without having the picture of any of them to figure out which way is up. It gets frustrating trying to find the stuff, then add of the stupidity of people coming to purchase screws.People are under the impression that we will have every screw ever made just for them, and it will be cheap. They bring in broken pieces of Chinese made crap and think through the power of hardware I can solve their problems for 15 cents.
Working in the screw aisle is one of the most miserable things to do at my store. Some people like it because its a time waster, but I see it more like serving time. There are over 3,000 different screws in the aisle, each put out of place. It like a lego set without the instructions, or mixing 3 of those 10,000 piece puzzles together without having the picture of any of them to figure out which way is up. It gets frustrating trying to find the stuff, then add of the stupidity of people coming to purchase screws.People are under the impression that we will have every screw ever made just for them, and it will be cheap. They bring in broken pieces of Chinese made crap and think through the power of hardware I can solve their problems for 15 cents.
Friday, August 12, 2011
In store announcements
If you lived through the 80's or earlier you remember the commercials with the K mart blue light special. Where a person gets on the intercom at the store and announces some great deal within the store. Well, at my store we don't have a blue light, and we really don't have any great deal. But... We do have in store announcements.
Lately they have been pushing some obscure items, such as a 3 piece sectional couch at a hardware store. Its weird, like I want to buy my living room furnishings where i buy my toilet seat. Anyways, we get over the intercom and announce these great deals. I am unfortunately the designated person for announcing the garden departments specials. I get the esteemed privilege of using my best fake happy voice to promote big savings on items. Luckily I speak clearly and with even pace so I am understandable, but once and a while we get another department that no one can understand what was said.
Its pretty funny when you are a coworker to hear someone mess up, but when the customers come up to you and ask what the announcement was, you have to be clever and come up with something. Sometimes i tell them its a sale on paint, very general and directed in the opposite direction of where I work. Other times I tell them it is about something that I know is on sale in my department, and i can maybe convince them into buying more junk.
So listen up next time your in a store, you might be missing out on a steal, a deal and a bargain.
Lately they have been pushing some obscure items, such as a 3 piece sectional couch at a hardware store. Its weird, like I want to buy my living room furnishings where i buy my toilet seat. Anyways, we get over the intercom and announce these great deals. I am unfortunately the designated person for announcing the garden departments specials. I get the esteemed privilege of using my best fake happy voice to promote big savings on items. Luckily I speak clearly and with even pace so I am understandable, but once and a while we get another department that no one can understand what was said.
Its pretty funny when you are a coworker to hear someone mess up, but when the customers come up to you and ask what the announcement was, you have to be clever and come up with something. Sometimes i tell them its a sale on paint, very general and directed in the opposite direction of where I work. Other times I tell them it is about something that I know is on sale in my department, and i can maybe convince them into buying more junk.
So listen up next time your in a store, you might be missing out on a steal, a deal and a bargain.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
The Dreaded Voxes
So, part of the pleasure of working in retail is working on the weekends. What is a better way to spend a nice sunny Sunday afternoon then helping people select the best shrubbery for their home? My schedule allows me to get the fullest of the weekend working experience, cramming 40 hours into four days!
Part of the joy of working weekends are the variety of guests. Working at a home improvement center (glorified hardware store), there are all sorts of weekend warriors trying to fix things. People who aren't your Monday thru Friday shoppers, who come in for the sales on RC cola or 2x4's. And then there are the unique set of folks who turn out at my store. Being happily situated on the West Side of Chicago we get more than our fare share of people who have rather heavily accented English. Some are non native speakers, while others are experts in the flow of Ebonics.
Today I had one such guest who by virtue of her royal blue weave was one of the later types of guests. She began our exchange by shouting across three aisles "Hey you, yeah you, come ova here". This is always the best way to get me in a chipper mood and achieve optimum guest service. So as "Smiled and said Hi!" she asked me her question. She was looking for very special items, the rare and elusive Voxes. I really didn't hear what she said the first time, so I asked her to repeat it " What are you stupid, I lookin for Voxes, don't you be tellin me you ain't got no Voxes up in ...".
So what perchance are Voxes? First thought was that they were creatures from the Fireswap in The Princess Bride. But I am a purely logical person and I know that movie is a fairy tale. So utilizing my deductive reasoning and nine years of college experience I devised what exactly Voxes are and aren't.
Option 1: A box from Venezuela. To be termed an authentic Venezulain Vox there are certain pureity standards. It must be plastic and wood. The plastics are made from the refined socialist oil of dictatorship, while the wood is virgin rain forest cut by virgin nuns. This box is strong enough to hold back military coups but gentle enough to carry bananas.
Option 2: A vox is a cross beteween a Vole and a Fox. They are small and compact as a Vole, but a cunning elusive predator like the Fox. Voxes are viewed as vermin in their native habitats, most particularly in fields of oxen.
Option 3: A combination of 1 and 2. Voxes are exported from their native Venezuela in special Vox crates. They are kept as attack animals for protection against home invasion in lucrative communities, such as the neighborhood my store is located.
Sadly not one of my guesses was correct. As I asked the guest follow up questions like " What is it used for", "What color is it", "Is it for inside or outside the home". I came to a much less exciting conclusion. The guest wanted a flower pot. My best guess was that thinking its not a box, and its not a vase she thought it must be called a Vox.
Part of the joy of working weekends are the variety of guests. Working at a home improvement center (glorified hardware store), there are all sorts of weekend warriors trying to fix things. People who aren't your Monday thru Friday shoppers, who come in for the sales on RC cola or 2x4's. And then there are the unique set of folks who turn out at my store. Being happily situated on the West Side of Chicago we get more than our fare share of people who have rather heavily accented English. Some are non native speakers, while others are experts in the flow of Ebonics.
Today I had one such guest who by virtue of her royal blue weave was one of the later types of guests. She began our exchange by shouting across three aisles "Hey you, yeah you, come ova here". This is always the best way to get me in a chipper mood and achieve optimum guest service. So as "Smiled and said Hi!" she asked me her question. She was looking for very special items, the rare and elusive Voxes. I really didn't hear what she said the first time, so I asked her to repeat it " What are you stupid, I lookin for Voxes, don't you be tellin me you ain't got no Voxes up in ...".
So what perchance are Voxes? First thought was that they were creatures from the Fireswap in The Princess Bride. But I am a purely logical person and I know that movie is a fairy tale. So utilizing my deductive reasoning and nine years of college experience I devised what exactly Voxes are and aren't.
Option 1: A box from Venezuela. To be termed an authentic Venezulain Vox there are certain pureity standards. It must be plastic and wood. The plastics are made from the refined socialist oil of dictatorship, while the wood is virgin rain forest cut by virgin nuns. This box is strong enough to hold back military coups but gentle enough to carry bananas.
Option 2: A vox is a cross beteween a Vole and a Fox. They are small and compact as a Vole, but a cunning elusive predator like the Fox. Voxes are viewed as vermin in their native habitats, most particularly in fields of oxen.
Option 3: A combination of 1 and 2. Voxes are exported from their native Venezuela in special Vox crates. They are kept as attack animals for protection against home invasion in lucrative communities, such as the neighborhood my store is located.
Sadly not one of my guesses was correct. As I asked the guest follow up questions like " What is it used for", "What color is it", "Is it for inside or outside the home". I came to a much less exciting conclusion. The guest wanted a flower pot. My best guess was that thinking its not a box, and its not a vase she thought it must be called a Vox.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Groovin to the Tunes
So, most retail establishments have light music playing in the background. It drowns out strange bangs from machinery, and occasional product falling off the shelf on its own. It also helps employees keep or loose a bit of their sanity.
At my big box we have an eclectic mix of everything playing in the background. Most of it is top 40, and occasional country (thats why I know all those strange country lyrics). And most of it is not played by its original artist. We are the store of bad cover bands. Really, Taylor swift covered with a punk rock type singer, not so good.
People who work at the store can't help but hearing the songs all day everyday, so we all learn the lyrics. When there is a storm that blows out our satellite radio and there is silence, pretty much all of us look up at the ceiling to the speakers wondering when our brain washing cues will return.
I personally have a tendency to sing the songs I like out loud in the aisles when i am stocking shelves. But there are other co workers who are a bit more extreme. One of our cart guys walks around singing all the time. But the songs he is singing aren't the ones on the radio. He sings a bit of R&B, some gangsta rap, and occasional oldies. Its funny to walk by him when he is really into one of his songs. Hes kind of groovin, snapping his fingers and moving his head to the songs. Recently he was so into one of his songs that happened to have profanity, he was absently walking down an aisle singing about bitches and hoes. One of the colorful guests in the store was slightly offended and got up in his face about how "he be messing with the wrong shit". His face was priceless, deer in the headlights type look. He had no idea what he had done.
So next time your in a store, give a listen to the background music, then give a look around at the workers. Maybe you will find a rare gem that could be the next American idol.
At my big box we have an eclectic mix of everything playing in the background. Most of it is top 40, and occasional country (thats why I know all those strange country lyrics). And most of it is not played by its original artist. We are the store of bad cover bands. Really, Taylor swift covered with a punk rock type singer, not so good.
People who work at the store can't help but hearing the songs all day everyday, so we all learn the lyrics. When there is a storm that blows out our satellite radio and there is silence, pretty much all of us look up at the ceiling to the speakers wondering when our brain washing cues will return.
I personally have a tendency to sing the songs I like out loud in the aisles when i am stocking shelves. But there are other co workers who are a bit more extreme. One of our cart guys walks around singing all the time. But the songs he is singing aren't the ones on the radio. He sings a bit of R&B, some gangsta rap, and occasional oldies. Its funny to walk by him when he is really into one of his songs. Hes kind of groovin, snapping his fingers and moving his head to the songs. Recently he was so into one of his songs that happened to have profanity, he was absently walking down an aisle singing about bitches and hoes. One of the colorful guests in the store was slightly offended and got up in his face about how "he be messing with the wrong shit". His face was priceless, deer in the headlights type look. He had no idea what he had done.
So next time your in a store, give a listen to the background music, then give a look around at the workers. Maybe you will find a rare gem that could be the next American idol.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Greetings
So for a while people have suggested that I should blog about my super wonderful expereinces in the world of retail sales. As I am about to hit my 8 year anniversary as a peon in the world of the big box, I am burned out and ready to crack. So, perhaps blogging will become a creative outlet that will prevent me from reliving the ending to office space, without the red swing line stapler.
Lets face it, there are two kinds of people who work retail. The first are the people who are genuinely happy to be working with the public selling a product or service that they feel is the best thing since sliced bread. These are usually the people who aren't the brightest crayons in the box, or they have sold their souls to the retail devil in exchange for a 25 cent an hour raise into management.
The second are the people who can't stand working with the stupid people who shop at their store and or the type one co workers. Type twos are usually over educated for their position with at least some college. They have been trapped in this retail nightmare due to the shitty economy, or they get sucked into the retail mindset that "they pay me good money, and I can't get another job that pays this much".
So as you gathered from the intro, I fall into the latter group, the bitter and spiteful minions. I could have been doing the same level of work had i dropped out of high school at sixteen instead of going to college for nine years. I am like most type twos, I can't afford to quit due to bills. My crazy student loan payment is what ties me to the time clock. I try to be nice to the people who come in and shop, its not their fault I work at the box. But I have a really fake smile. One benefit of my job is that I do meet a lot of interesting people who work with me, and complete whack jobs who come into the store to shop.
So welcome to my story about my interesting experiences in the world of retail.
Lets face it, there are two kinds of people who work retail. The first are the people who are genuinely happy to be working with the public selling a product or service that they feel is the best thing since sliced bread. These are usually the people who aren't the brightest crayons in the box, or they have sold their souls to the retail devil in exchange for a 25 cent an hour raise into management.
The second are the people who can't stand working with the stupid people who shop at their store and or the type one co workers. Type twos are usually over educated for their position with at least some college. They have been trapped in this retail nightmare due to the shitty economy, or they get sucked into the retail mindset that "they pay me good money, and I can't get another job that pays this much".
So as you gathered from the intro, I fall into the latter group, the bitter and spiteful minions. I could have been doing the same level of work had i dropped out of high school at sixteen instead of going to college for nine years. I am like most type twos, I can't afford to quit due to bills. My crazy student loan payment is what ties me to the time clock. I try to be nice to the people who come in and shop, its not their fault I work at the box. But I have a really fake smile. One benefit of my job is that I do meet a lot of interesting people who work with me, and complete whack jobs who come into the store to shop.
So welcome to my story about my interesting experiences in the world of retail.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)