As predicted I did get to hear interesting stories from my coworkers weekends. One of the guys from another department usually has some good ones from going to the clubs.
A bit about my friend before I tell you his stories, hes in his early 20's and is kind of a recent immigrant to the US. Hes used to how things were back in the old country to an extent and is amazed at some of his experiences in the clubs in Chicago. For instance, recently at a club they were playing some old school 80's music that encourages break dancing. So being his interesting self he decides to bust a move. Apparently back in the old country he was on some break dancing team, and no one suspects that a skinny white kid can get down old school. I would have loved to see this in person, but luckily there are cell phone cameras that capture the moment. Being the new kid on the block got him some gripe from the more colorful patrons of the establishment, but it also caught him some ladies.
His latest story from the weekend involved dancing with a rather drunk 40ish woman that was looking for a little younger hookup. She bought him a few drinks and started more than grinding on him. In his description all of a sudden her leg was on my shoulder on the dance floor.Meanwhile, another one of my co workers was dancing with a "lady" near by and when the guy with the cougar was trying to get his attention to tell him he was leaving with her he realized that my naive friend was infact dancing with a guy wearing a dress. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but my unsuspecting polish friend was not expecting this "hot chick" to be a dude.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
A case of the Mondays
So as I sit here not wanting to go to work on a Monday morning I can't help but think that its not just Mondays that I don't want to go to work. Days that end in y are pretty much the days that I don't want to attend. Sometimes Mondays aren't the worst day of the week, especially when I work the weekend and a Monday is like a Friday.
One of the worst things is coming in and hearing from coworkers how the weekend was when they were working. I avoid thinking about work when I am not there, but when I walk in the door and there is a barrage of questions backed up from the weekend, or more than a few stories of hellish customers, it brings more of a downer. Then there is Nancy who works in the story, Nancy is very negative. She has worked for the company way too long, and her negative just rubs off on everyone. Sour grapes would be sweet compared to her attitude. I've tried helping Nancy with some stuff outside of work to maybe think that it would help her overall outlook of not niceness. But, no Nancy is just plain old bitter and spiteful. If she saw the wicked witch get a house dropped on her, she would simply say that there's another old bitty lined up to take her place. Maybe someone should drop a house on Nancy to improve her charm.
But nonetheless, today is a Monday and I get to look forward to being asked where the paint department is, where are the strews, and an assortment of other odd questions from customers and fellow team members. Maybe today I will be lucky and I won't get forced into being a cashier, or get hit with a 2x4, or have to listen to people complain about their jobs. Today can go smoothly and cheerfully.
One of the worst things is coming in and hearing from coworkers how the weekend was when they were working. I avoid thinking about work when I am not there, but when I walk in the door and there is a barrage of questions backed up from the weekend, or more than a few stories of hellish customers, it brings more of a downer. Then there is Nancy who works in the story, Nancy is very negative. She has worked for the company way too long, and her negative just rubs off on everyone. Sour grapes would be sweet compared to her attitude. I've tried helping Nancy with some stuff outside of work to maybe think that it would help her overall outlook of not niceness. But, no Nancy is just plain old bitter and spiteful. If she saw the wicked witch get a house dropped on her, she would simply say that there's another old bitty lined up to take her place. Maybe someone should drop a house on Nancy to improve her charm.
But nonetheless, today is a Monday and I get to look forward to being asked where the paint department is, where are the strews, and an assortment of other odd questions from customers and fellow team members. Maybe today I will be lucky and I won't get forced into being a cashier, or get hit with a 2x4, or have to listen to people complain about their jobs. Today can go smoothly and cheerfully.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Anniversarys
So this week I "celebrated" my 8th anniversary of working for my company. Its not really a thing to celebrate in my book. Am I grateful I've had a job for the past 8 years, sure. Am I happy with the job I have, no. Today I told someone that it was my anniversary at work, and the were like, "Oh, I'm sorry. I've only been here 6 years and I want to quit". That kindof makes me feel like an ass hole.
There are some of positives of working in the same company for so long:
1. I have an extensive collection of polyester polo shirts. They are unflattering and over sized, but the sheer abundance of them allows me to go over a week without doing laundry.
2. I get to meet some of the most interesting people. There is the nutty chicken lady who lives in the city and has chickens running around her house, and tells me interesting stories about growing up in Germany. There is the crazy old guy with the drunk son who comes in like twice a day trying to come up with new schemes to fix his house. He always has the same stories about the westside neighborhood back in the 1940's. Ooo theres the one strange tall guy who comes dressed in different costumes. Sometimes hes wearing a hat that looks like he should be in a rice patty. Other times he looks like a biker with leather pants. I haven't really talked to him too much cause hes kindof scary, but hes interesting.
3. I do have great co workers. As much as I don't like my job the people I work with are the reason I keep attending. There are a few who I can't stand and would like to throw under a bus, but for the most part people I work with are good shit.
4. Where else could I work that I would get to make people feel stupid every day? I know its not very nice to make people feel dumb, but it makes me laugh when people ask where the bathroom is in my store when I am in the main aisle. Its not as fun when I'm farther away, but if I'm in the main aisle and I tell them to turn around and read the 10 ft long neon green electric sign that says restrooms. It makes me laugh on the inside and they feel stupid.
There are some of positives of working in the same company for so long:
1. I have an extensive collection of polyester polo shirts. They are unflattering and over sized, but the sheer abundance of them allows me to go over a week without doing laundry.
2. I get to meet some of the most interesting people. There is the nutty chicken lady who lives in the city and has chickens running around her house, and tells me interesting stories about growing up in Germany. There is the crazy old guy with the drunk son who comes in like twice a day trying to come up with new schemes to fix his house. He always has the same stories about the westside neighborhood back in the 1940's. Ooo theres the one strange tall guy who comes dressed in different costumes. Sometimes hes wearing a hat that looks like he should be in a rice patty. Other times he looks like a biker with leather pants. I haven't really talked to him too much cause hes kindof scary, but hes interesting.
3. I do have great co workers. As much as I don't like my job the people I work with are the reason I keep attending. There are a few who I can't stand and would like to throw under a bus, but for the most part people I work with are good shit.
4. Where else could I work that I would get to make people feel stupid every day? I know its not very nice to make people feel dumb, but it makes me laugh when people ask where the bathroom is in my store when I am in the main aisle. Its not as fun when I'm farther away, but if I'm in the main aisle and I tell them to turn around and read the 10 ft long neon green electric sign that says restrooms. It makes me laugh on the inside and they feel stupid.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Sidewalk Sales
So this week the general dictator at my store decided it would be a stupendous idea to have a sidewalk sale in front of the store. Nothing says good old fashioned savings like throwing a few tables out front of a store and selling some old crap that no one has purchased at lower prices. The only problem with this scenario is that my store is on the West Side of Chicago. Instead of buy me, all of the items neatly arrayed on tables scream steal me, and run quick there is no door to stop you!
Being deemed one of the expendable people with no definite purpose at the store I had the honor of baby sitting the tables of junk for the past two days. Its not a terrible job, answer questions on how much things cost and where to pay. But I was exposed to some of the most interesting people.
First off, I have pretty clear handwriting. One of my fellow co workers couldn't stop complementing me on my handwriting during this whole ordeal (that person is a whole other story of booze and bewilderment), I guess having learned the Palmer method in grade school puts me ahead in life. So I make these nice, clear, concise 5x7 signs and place them directly below each item. Needless to say I was asked, cuanto cuesta, more times than I can count.
The little annoyance of being asked dumb questions isn't the kicker of the experience. It kind of goes along with how I don't really care about my job. One of the items was a box cutter that was priced at 2 bucks, and it had a 2 dollar rebate, making it pretty much free. So what is the item that I saw go into a pocket, and found the most empty packages, its this dumb knife. I just cant wait until the homeys that took them try to use them, they are so poorly made that it won't even cut the packaging that they were in.
I did get to be exposed to some team members from throughout the store who I only see in passing. It was nice to hear some interesting stories about going to clubs and getting smacked around by ladies, stories of strippers, and explanations on why the state of Florida is getting bigger because of global warming. Its kindof fun to just listen and nod your head without laughing out loud.
Some of the best observations at work are always from the customers. One middle aged couple saw this super sale item and just had to have it. They talked my ear off on how it was the best item ever and how its going to make their house so awesome. They have a teal colored bathroom, and they wanted to spice it up with a bit more color. And it was their luck that we had the perfect item reduced to 100 from 600. Now I have seen my share of ugly house products but this one is in the top ten of 2011. It is a desert rose pink 3 piece preformed shower, 7 ft tall of pure pepto. And then picture the nasty of a teal and pink bathroom, it makes me think of Miami Vice.
One of the best guests I've had in a while came in today. As he walked up I knew there was something off, he had a bit of a stagger and a slight list. The other problem he had was when he got dressed to come to the hardware he put on a blue shirt, long black socks, and white shoes. The black socks and white shoes isn't the height of fashion, but its tolerable if you remember the rest of your outfit, especially to apply pants. This gentleman was wearing boxers without pants. You might shrug it off and say, oh they were just running shorts, or some 80's short shorts. Nope, they were boxers, and the fly didn't have a button closure. So between the tables of stuff and this guy I definitely saw enough junk today.
Being deemed one of the expendable people with no definite purpose at the store I had the honor of baby sitting the tables of junk for the past two days. Its not a terrible job, answer questions on how much things cost and where to pay. But I was exposed to some of the most interesting people.
First off, I have pretty clear handwriting. One of my fellow co workers couldn't stop complementing me on my handwriting during this whole ordeal (that person is a whole other story of booze and bewilderment), I guess having learned the Palmer method in grade school puts me ahead in life. So I make these nice, clear, concise 5x7 signs and place them directly below each item. Needless to say I was asked, cuanto cuesta, more times than I can count.
The little annoyance of being asked dumb questions isn't the kicker of the experience. It kind of goes along with how I don't really care about my job. One of the items was a box cutter that was priced at 2 bucks, and it had a 2 dollar rebate, making it pretty much free. So what is the item that I saw go into a pocket, and found the most empty packages, its this dumb knife. I just cant wait until the homeys that took them try to use them, they are so poorly made that it won't even cut the packaging that they were in.
I did get to be exposed to some team members from throughout the store who I only see in passing. It was nice to hear some interesting stories about going to clubs and getting smacked around by ladies, stories of strippers, and explanations on why the state of Florida is getting bigger because of global warming. Its kindof fun to just listen and nod your head without laughing out loud.
Some of the best observations at work are always from the customers. One middle aged couple saw this super sale item and just had to have it. They talked my ear off on how it was the best item ever and how its going to make their house so awesome. They have a teal colored bathroom, and they wanted to spice it up with a bit more color. And it was their luck that we had the perfect item reduced to 100 from 600. Now I have seen my share of ugly house products but this one is in the top ten of 2011. It is a desert rose pink 3 piece preformed shower, 7 ft tall of pure pepto. And then picture the nasty of a teal and pink bathroom, it makes me think of Miami Vice.
One of the best guests I've had in a while came in today. As he walked up I knew there was something off, he had a bit of a stagger and a slight list. The other problem he had was when he got dressed to come to the hardware he put on a blue shirt, long black socks, and white shoes. The black socks and white shoes isn't the height of fashion, but its tolerable if you remember the rest of your outfit, especially to apply pants. This gentleman was wearing boxers without pants. You might shrug it off and say, oh they were just running shorts, or some 80's short shorts. Nope, they were boxers, and the fly didn't have a button closure. So between the tables of stuff and this guy I definitely saw enough junk today.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Strews
So in working in the elegant community that I am so fortunate to travel to every day. Our guests come up with their own terms for items. One of the most common is the strew. Of the odd names people come up with its really not that far off from its actual name of screw. But its kindof funny when you are spending your day working in the screw aisle to get a chuckle when someone calls you ignant for not finding the screw for their babies crib that they bought out of a back of a truck with no hardware.
Working in the screw aisle is one of the most miserable things to do at my store. Some people like it because its a time waster, but I see it more like serving time. There are over 3,000 different screws in the aisle, each put out of place. It like a lego set without the instructions, or mixing 3 of those 10,000 piece puzzles together without having the picture of any of them to figure out which way is up. It gets frustrating trying to find the stuff, then add of the stupidity of people coming to purchase screws.People are under the impression that we will have every screw ever made just for them, and it will be cheap. They bring in broken pieces of Chinese made crap and think through the power of hardware I can solve their problems for 15 cents.
Working in the screw aisle is one of the most miserable things to do at my store. Some people like it because its a time waster, but I see it more like serving time. There are over 3,000 different screws in the aisle, each put out of place. It like a lego set without the instructions, or mixing 3 of those 10,000 piece puzzles together without having the picture of any of them to figure out which way is up. It gets frustrating trying to find the stuff, then add of the stupidity of people coming to purchase screws.People are under the impression that we will have every screw ever made just for them, and it will be cheap. They bring in broken pieces of Chinese made crap and think through the power of hardware I can solve their problems for 15 cents.
Friday, August 12, 2011
In store announcements
If you lived through the 80's or earlier you remember the commercials with the K mart blue light special. Where a person gets on the intercom at the store and announces some great deal within the store. Well, at my store we don't have a blue light, and we really don't have any great deal. But... We do have in store announcements.
Lately they have been pushing some obscure items, such as a 3 piece sectional couch at a hardware store. Its weird, like I want to buy my living room furnishings where i buy my toilet seat. Anyways, we get over the intercom and announce these great deals. I am unfortunately the designated person for announcing the garden departments specials. I get the esteemed privilege of using my best fake happy voice to promote big savings on items. Luckily I speak clearly and with even pace so I am understandable, but once and a while we get another department that no one can understand what was said.
Its pretty funny when you are a coworker to hear someone mess up, but when the customers come up to you and ask what the announcement was, you have to be clever and come up with something. Sometimes i tell them its a sale on paint, very general and directed in the opposite direction of where I work. Other times I tell them it is about something that I know is on sale in my department, and i can maybe convince them into buying more junk.
So listen up next time your in a store, you might be missing out on a steal, a deal and a bargain.
Lately they have been pushing some obscure items, such as a 3 piece sectional couch at a hardware store. Its weird, like I want to buy my living room furnishings where i buy my toilet seat. Anyways, we get over the intercom and announce these great deals. I am unfortunately the designated person for announcing the garden departments specials. I get the esteemed privilege of using my best fake happy voice to promote big savings on items. Luckily I speak clearly and with even pace so I am understandable, but once and a while we get another department that no one can understand what was said.
Its pretty funny when you are a coworker to hear someone mess up, but when the customers come up to you and ask what the announcement was, you have to be clever and come up with something. Sometimes i tell them its a sale on paint, very general and directed in the opposite direction of where I work. Other times I tell them it is about something that I know is on sale in my department, and i can maybe convince them into buying more junk.
So listen up next time your in a store, you might be missing out on a steal, a deal and a bargain.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
The Dreaded Voxes
So, part of the pleasure of working in retail is working on the weekends. What is a better way to spend a nice sunny Sunday afternoon then helping people select the best shrubbery for their home? My schedule allows me to get the fullest of the weekend working experience, cramming 40 hours into four days!
Part of the joy of working weekends are the variety of guests. Working at a home improvement center (glorified hardware store), there are all sorts of weekend warriors trying to fix things. People who aren't your Monday thru Friday shoppers, who come in for the sales on RC cola or 2x4's. And then there are the unique set of folks who turn out at my store. Being happily situated on the West Side of Chicago we get more than our fare share of people who have rather heavily accented English. Some are non native speakers, while others are experts in the flow of Ebonics.
Today I had one such guest who by virtue of her royal blue weave was one of the later types of guests. She began our exchange by shouting across three aisles "Hey you, yeah you, come ova here". This is always the best way to get me in a chipper mood and achieve optimum guest service. So as "Smiled and said Hi!" she asked me her question. She was looking for very special items, the rare and elusive Voxes. I really didn't hear what she said the first time, so I asked her to repeat it " What are you stupid, I lookin for Voxes, don't you be tellin me you ain't got no Voxes up in ...".
So what perchance are Voxes? First thought was that they were creatures from the Fireswap in The Princess Bride. But I am a purely logical person and I know that movie is a fairy tale. So utilizing my deductive reasoning and nine years of college experience I devised what exactly Voxes are and aren't.
Option 1: A box from Venezuela. To be termed an authentic Venezulain Vox there are certain pureity standards. It must be plastic and wood. The plastics are made from the refined socialist oil of dictatorship, while the wood is virgin rain forest cut by virgin nuns. This box is strong enough to hold back military coups but gentle enough to carry bananas.
Option 2: A vox is a cross beteween a Vole and a Fox. They are small and compact as a Vole, but a cunning elusive predator like the Fox. Voxes are viewed as vermin in their native habitats, most particularly in fields of oxen.
Option 3: A combination of 1 and 2. Voxes are exported from their native Venezuela in special Vox crates. They are kept as attack animals for protection against home invasion in lucrative communities, such as the neighborhood my store is located.
Sadly not one of my guesses was correct. As I asked the guest follow up questions like " What is it used for", "What color is it", "Is it for inside or outside the home". I came to a much less exciting conclusion. The guest wanted a flower pot. My best guess was that thinking its not a box, and its not a vase she thought it must be called a Vox.
Part of the joy of working weekends are the variety of guests. Working at a home improvement center (glorified hardware store), there are all sorts of weekend warriors trying to fix things. People who aren't your Monday thru Friday shoppers, who come in for the sales on RC cola or 2x4's. And then there are the unique set of folks who turn out at my store. Being happily situated on the West Side of Chicago we get more than our fare share of people who have rather heavily accented English. Some are non native speakers, while others are experts in the flow of Ebonics.
Today I had one such guest who by virtue of her royal blue weave was one of the later types of guests. She began our exchange by shouting across three aisles "Hey you, yeah you, come ova here". This is always the best way to get me in a chipper mood and achieve optimum guest service. So as "Smiled and said Hi!" she asked me her question. She was looking for very special items, the rare and elusive Voxes. I really didn't hear what she said the first time, so I asked her to repeat it " What are you stupid, I lookin for Voxes, don't you be tellin me you ain't got no Voxes up in ...".
So what perchance are Voxes? First thought was that they were creatures from the Fireswap in The Princess Bride. But I am a purely logical person and I know that movie is a fairy tale. So utilizing my deductive reasoning and nine years of college experience I devised what exactly Voxes are and aren't.
Option 1: A box from Venezuela. To be termed an authentic Venezulain Vox there are certain pureity standards. It must be plastic and wood. The plastics are made from the refined socialist oil of dictatorship, while the wood is virgin rain forest cut by virgin nuns. This box is strong enough to hold back military coups but gentle enough to carry bananas.
Option 2: A vox is a cross beteween a Vole and a Fox. They are small and compact as a Vole, but a cunning elusive predator like the Fox. Voxes are viewed as vermin in their native habitats, most particularly in fields of oxen.
Option 3: A combination of 1 and 2. Voxes are exported from their native Venezuela in special Vox crates. They are kept as attack animals for protection against home invasion in lucrative communities, such as the neighborhood my store is located.
Sadly not one of my guesses was correct. As I asked the guest follow up questions like " What is it used for", "What color is it", "Is it for inside or outside the home". I came to a much less exciting conclusion. The guest wanted a flower pot. My best guess was that thinking its not a box, and its not a vase she thought it must be called a Vox.
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