Black Friday, Maniacal Laugh

So here I am still shlepping screws after all these years. Today was my 9th Black Friday at the monstrous mecca, this year I again had the honor of opening the store for the droves of angry shoppers.

Why are our shoppers so angry? My theory is that we open at 6am, other stores open at 10pm or 12 on Thanksgiving night. The die hard nutters are out and hit our store after they go everywhere else. So after over stuffing of turkey and fighting for Tickle Me Elmo at Wally World they mosey down the block to buy tools for dad.

For those of you who don't partake in the hoopla that is door buster sales, be glad. It is really as bad as they show it on TV. People lining up outside the doors, crazy plotting with maps of the store what to get first. But what you don't see is whats happening before the doors open. Just so you know, its even worse on the inside. Managers are overly picky about having the store look perfect (just so it gets trashed in 20 min), last minute moving of hundreds of hot wheels cars. Fluffing of snuggie knock offs, arranging colorful signs and inflating balloons. Our store uses balloons to mark where the sale items are located throughout the store. Colorful happy balloons would be nice if they were actually filled with helium, but in showing just how stupid my company is we blow up balloons with air and tie them to a plastic stick. Imagine the look on a child's face getting a balloon clumsily tied to a stick kindof flopping to one side. It just screams disappointment, which is exactly what sums up the big box shopping experience.

After the initial rush of customers grabbing up the "while supplies last" items, then the semi pro shoppers show up. They are usually dumbfounded with the prospect of items being sold out after the store has only been open for two hours.  It was in this round two of guests that I received my first winner of the day. This colorfully dressed woman approached me and asked for the super sale barbies. I brought her to the black 55 gallon garbage can full of assorted dolls, she glanced at them and looked at me. Looked back at the dolls and then, she got all ghetto on my ass. "You F##king Ignant White B##ch! Why you gotta bring me over to all these white barbie dolls, you think I want that crap"! Ah yes, the fact that the diverse barbies happened to be deeper in the can didn't matter, I am ignant. So I proceeded to move them around and hand her an Asian, Black, and Hispanic barbie, then I walked away. I don't get how people can be so ignorant to not even know that the word is not ignant.

So later as the crowd thinned and grew, and thinned and grew. I had my share of non English speakers asking for items that were not anything in any language. I had an Eastern European man ask for the bucket with the straw. I had no idea what he was looking for so I got a bit of help for a polish team member who totally clarified for me that he wanted the bucket with the lid with the straw. Really, we don't sell over sized Mc Donalds cups for what ever strange uses you might think up. But then when he mentioned roaches, I figured out that he needed a pump sprayer  to mix pesticides.

Customers around the holidays get exceedingly rude. Screams from aisles away, "Hey lady, I need dat thing she got in her cart over dare."  When you let them know where it is, and we happen to be out or its on the other side of the store, many times people tend to just lift it out of other peoples carts. Technically its not stealing because its not purchased yet, but its just evil. Black Friday is the official start of the holiday shopping season. It leads the way for dismal dark December...

Crikey

So after many, many, many, many, years the end of my retail career is in sight. I have already relinquished my title as the chief flower fluffer, and time is ticking down on the super screw sales. So this weekend I realized just how gross people are in the hood. Having worked in retail for eight years I have seen my share of gross, but the frequency of nasty is much higher at this store.

For starters people have this tendency to preform bodily functions at inopportune times and places. Three times this weekend I walked past people in the socket aisle and they totally farted. Not like a small release, but like an audible head turning rumble. I wonder if they were giving out free bean burritos in the parking lot?

I also noticed that people have a problem holding their food in their bodies. Its understandable when a small child pukes, but adults throwing up in aisles due to drug use and or intoxication is a bit much. Twice in the recent past I have turned a corner to encounter projectiles.

Then there is the poop. Last summer someone pooped in the specialty screw aisle. Really, who drops their pants and drops a #2 in a hardware store. And lately their has been a trend of parents leaving dirty diapers in the children's play area. There are garbage cans and bathrooms, yet people still choose to leave these stink bombs in carts, on chairs and on the floor.

In general, besides the bodily semi solids, people are slobs on the west side. On the nights that I have the privilege of sweeping up the store I get to clean an assortment of food items. You get your standard gum wrappers and candy, but often times there are chips, peanut shells and sunflower seed shells. This is not Texas roadhouse, its a home improvement store! How do you think that it is remotely OK to eat peanuts and throw the shells on the floor? Shelled peanuts are an awkward snack to choose while you peruse drill bits? Wait i forgot, we sell them in 5lb bags its a super convient snack when you decide to steal them from the shelf, no evidence...

Stinky

So why do people not bathe or wash their clothes?I don't understand it, it's 2011 and there is this new fangled thing called plumbing. It brings running water to you when ever you like. No walking to the river with a bucket, just turn on the faucet and tada!

People really smell that come into my store. It has to be bad when I smell them seeing as my nose is always stuffy. If I can smell you, you have a problem. I would like to hand out soap at the entrance to the store, but then would they use it? I may have to go back to spraying febreeze after stinkers walk away.

So today I had a gentleman who was rather ethnic get mad at me and start yelling. I calming told him off without raising my voice letting him know I don't deserve to be yelled at. It didn't help the situation, he got madder. The guy smelled horrible, and was yelling at me! I was relieved when I walked away and didn't have to hear or smell him. Maybe he was really mad because he could smell himself.