With the holiday season in full swing everyone in retail is at their wits end just waiting for the calm of January. My loverly yob has decided for the past few months to not hire people to replace people who have quit or have been fired. Lucky for those left we get to work twice as hard. Part of this extra duty involves cashiering and leaving your department for other people to try and take care of.
If there is one thing I can't stand is being a cashier. Its not the job itself, its how the customers, and management treat cashiers. Half the time they don't pay any attention to you, which isn't too bad. The rest of the time in the hood, people treat you like complete crap. Its the best feeling to get sworn at or money thrown at you.
My store has probably the worst design of registers. While cashiering your back is to the aisle where the cart goes through, so if your not careful your butt gets hit by carts of drywall. There is a strange little bump out of about a foot to keep carts from hitting you, but if they are hit with enough gusto the little bump out breaks off hits you just before the cart of crap. With your back to the customers its not the easiest to put the money in the drawer. There is nothing between the cash drawer and the customers, and people like to stand close. Its scary in the hood, mainly because I know that more than a few customers are packing heat. Ooo Ooo, and my favorite, these strange little swinging wall things that fold out to close the lane. In theory they work well, but when you are near the door, they have a tendency to get caught by the wind and again whack you in the backside.
People treat you like you are retarded. Honestly, even the dimmest cashiers have more intelligence than a lot of customers, they can figure out the right change.When you count the wad of crumpled singles they hand you and its not enough money that's when it gets interesting. Today I had a gentleman who was short a dollar for a bunch of candy, and he asked me for the money. When I told him that I would not give him money he got mad and grabbed his money from my hands and walked out. I also had this extra special person try to purchase a wrench without a tag. The problem was that this wrench was from a set and not sold individually. He got mad and went back to the department to get the right one, but when he returned he decided to cut in front of everyone in line. That unleashed a shit storm of trouble. These 3 black dudes got all sorts of pissed off at this little Mexican guy, and he fired right back at them. It was kindof comical to hear screaming in ghetto speak being answered with Spanish.The best line was "Get yo taco bell ass to the back of the line".
People also think you control the pricing. Like as if by magic I decide to tell the bar code that your purple gift bow should be 3 cents more than the red bow your sister bought. I am not the Grinch that charges more based on the items color, I'm just the bitter cashier than doesn't care.
So next time your at a check out, be nice to the poor cashier.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
Never before shared, vintage: Short end of the sucky stick
I wrote this one December 11,2011 while still at the former big box. I never hit post so 2 yrs later here it is:
So I meant to blog about last weekend sooner, however the evils of my retail disaster scared me so much I had almost lost my sarcastic edge.
Anyway, the holiday season in retail is horrific. Anyone who has worked retail knows how shoppers change, and managers change for that matter too. Call it the stress of the situation but people who are usually tolerable become unbearable. While I was going about my typical duties I encountered some of our management staff who took it upon themselves to make me feel like less of a person. I do my job, and I do it well. I even help other people get their jobs done, but when a GM gets upset with you and exclaims your uselessness while you are in the midst of assisting customers, that kind of crosses the line.
Last Saturday I had the honor of helping customers select their Christmas trees. At my past stores this was a fun job. Kids get excited, adults are nice, but at this store the ghetto people are not so kind. They want the cheapest tree to look like a million bucks. Sorry people but no amount of trimming is going to turn that shrub into a masterpiece. The more you cut the less tree there is, and as much as they try cut branches do not fit back in the tree. Picture Charlie browns tree with mismatched branches shoved in the gaps...
Anyway, the holiday season in retail is horrific. Anyone who has worked retail knows how shoppers change, and managers change for that matter too. Call it the stress of the situation but people who are usually tolerable become unbearable. While I was going about my typical duties I encountered some of our management staff who took it upon themselves to make me feel like less of a person. I do my job, and I do it well. I even help other people get their jobs done, but when a GM gets upset with you and exclaims your uselessness while you are in the midst of assisting customers, that kind of crosses the line.
Last Saturday I had the honor of helping customers select their Christmas trees. At my past stores this was a fun job. Kids get excited, adults are nice, but at this store the ghetto people are not so kind. They want the cheapest tree to look like a million bucks. Sorry people but no amount of trimming is going to turn that shrub into a masterpiece. The more you cut the less tree there is, and as much as they try cut branches do not fit back in the tree. Picture Charlie browns tree with mismatched branches shoved in the gaps...
Friday, November 25, 2011
Black Friday, Maniacal Laugh
So here I am still shlepping screws after all these years. Today was my 9th Black Friday at the monstrous mecca, this year I again had the honor of opening the store for the droves of angry shoppers.
Why are our shoppers so angry? My theory is that we open at 6am, other stores open at 10pm or 12 on Thanksgiving night. The die hard nutters are out and hit our store after they go everywhere else. So after over stuffing of turkey and fighting for Tickle Me Elmo at Wally World they mosey down the block to buy tools for dad.
For those of you who don't partake in the hoopla that is door buster sales, be glad. It is really as bad as they show it on TV. People lining up outside the doors, crazy plotting with maps of the store what to get first. But what you don't see is whats happening before the doors open. Just so you know, its even worse on the inside. Managers are overly picky about having the store look perfect (just so it gets trashed in 20 min), last minute moving of hundreds of hot wheels cars. Fluffing of snuggie knock offs, arranging colorful signs and inflating balloons. Our store uses balloons to mark where the sale items are located throughout the store. Colorful happy balloons would be nice if they were actually filled with helium, but in showing just how stupid my company is we blow up balloons with air and tie them to a plastic stick. Imagine the look on a child's face getting a balloon clumsily tied to a stick kindof flopping to one side. It just screams disappointment, which is exactly what sums up the big box shopping experience.
After the initial rush of customers grabbing up the "while supplies last" items, then the semi pro shoppers show up. They are usually dumbfounded with the prospect of items being sold out after the store has only been open for two hours. It was in this round two of guests that I received my first winner of the day. This colorfully dressed woman approached me and asked for the super sale barbies. I brought her to the black 55 gallon garbage can full of assorted dolls, she glanced at them and looked at me. Looked back at the dolls and then, she got all ghetto on my ass. "You F##king Ignant White B##ch! Why you gotta bring me over to all these white barbie dolls, you think I want that crap"! Ah yes, the fact that the diverse barbies happened to be deeper in the can didn't matter, I am ignant. So I proceeded to move them around and hand her an Asian, Black, and Hispanic barbie, then I walked away. I don't get how people can be so ignorant to not even know that the word is not ignant.
So later as the crowd thinned and grew, and thinned and grew. I had my share of non English speakers asking for items that were not anything in any language. I had an Eastern European man ask for the bucket with the straw. I had no idea what he was looking for so I got a bit of help for a polish team member who totally clarified for me that he wanted the bucket with the lid with the straw. Really, we don't sell over sized Mc Donalds cups for what ever strange uses you might think up. But then when he mentioned roaches, I figured out that he needed a pump sprayer to mix pesticides.
Customers around the holidays get exceedingly rude. Screams from aisles away, "Hey lady, I need dat thing she got in her cart over dare." When you let them know where it is, and we happen to be out or its on the other side of the store, many times people tend to just lift it out of other peoples carts. Technically its not stealing because its not purchased yet, but its just evil. Black Friday is the official start of the holiday shopping season. It leads the way for dismal dark December...
Why are our shoppers so angry? My theory is that we open at 6am, other stores open at 10pm or 12 on Thanksgiving night. The die hard nutters are out and hit our store after they go everywhere else. So after over stuffing of turkey and fighting for Tickle Me Elmo at Wally World they mosey down the block to buy tools for dad.
For those of you who don't partake in the hoopla that is door buster sales, be glad. It is really as bad as they show it on TV. People lining up outside the doors, crazy plotting with maps of the store what to get first. But what you don't see is whats happening before the doors open. Just so you know, its even worse on the inside. Managers are overly picky about having the store look perfect (just so it gets trashed in 20 min), last minute moving of hundreds of hot wheels cars. Fluffing of snuggie knock offs, arranging colorful signs and inflating balloons. Our store uses balloons to mark where the sale items are located throughout the store. Colorful happy balloons would be nice if they were actually filled with helium, but in showing just how stupid my company is we blow up balloons with air and tie them to a plastic stick. Imagine the look on a child's face getting a balloon clumsily tied to a stick kindof flopping to one side. It just screams disappointment, which is exactly what sums up the big box shopping experience.
After the initial rush of customers grabbing up the "while supplies last" items, then the semi pro shoppers show up. They are usually dumbfounded with the prospect of items being sold out after the store has only been open for two hours. It was in this round two of guests that I received my first winner of the day. This colorfully dressed woman approached me and asked for the super sale barbies. I brought her to the black 55 gallon garbage can full of assorted dolls, she glanced at them and looked at me. Looked back at the dolls and then, she got all ghetto on my ass. "You F##king Ignant White B##ch! Why you gotta bring me over to all these white barbie dolls, you think I want that crap"! Ah yes, the fact that the diverse barbies happened to be deeper in the can didn't matter, I am ignant. So I proceeded to move them around and hand her an Asian, Black, and Hispanic barbie, then I walked away. I don't get how people can be so ignorant to not even know that the word is not ignant.
So later as the crowd thinned and grew, and thinned and grew. I had my share of non English speakers asking for items that were not anything in any language. I had an Eastern European man ask for the bucket with the straw. I had no idea what he was looking for so I got a bit of help for a polish team member who totally clarified for me that he wanted the bucket with the lid with the straw. Really, we don't sell over sized Mc Donalds cups for what ever strange uses you might think up. But then when he mentioned roaches, I figured out that he needed a pump sprayer to mix pesticides.
Customers around the holidays get exceedingly rude. Screams from aisles away, "Hey lady, I need dat thing she got in her cart over dare." When you let them know where it is, and we happen to be out or its on the other side of the store, many times people tend to just lift it out of other peoples carts. Technically its not stealing because its not purchased yet, but its just evil. Black Friday is the official start of the holiday shopping season. It leads the way for dismal dark December...
Monday, November 14, 2011
Crikey
So after many, many, many, many, years the end of my retail career is in sight. I have already relinquished my title as the chief flower fluffer, and time is ticking down on the super screw sales. So this weekend I realized just how gross people are in the hood. Having worked in retail for eight years I have seen my share of gross, but the frequency of nasty is much higher at this store.
For starters people have this tendency to preform bodily functions at inopportune times and places. Three times this weekend I walked past people in the socket aisle and they totally farted. Not like a small release, but like an audible head turning rumble. I wonder if they were giving out free bean burritos in the parking lot?
I also noticed that people have a problem holding their food in their bodies. Its understandable when a small child pukes, but adults throwing up in aisles due to drug use and or intoxication is a bit much. Twice in the recent past I have turned a corner to encounter projectiles.
Then there is the poop. Last summer someone pooped in the specialty screw aisle. Really, who drops their pants and drops a #2 in a hardware store. And lately their has been a trend of parents leaving dirty diapers in the children's play area. There are garbage cans and bathrooms, yet people still choose to leave these stink bombs in carts, on chairs and on the floor.
In general, besides the bodily semi solids, people are slobs on the west side. On the nights that I have the privilege of sweeping up the store I get to clean an assortment of food items. You get your standard gum wrappers and candy, but often times there are chips, peanut shells and sunflower seed shells. This is not Texas roadhouse, its a home improvement store! How do you think that it is remotely OK to eat peanuts and throw the shells on the floor? Shelled peanuts are an awkward snack to choose while you peruse drill bits? Wait i forgot, we sell them in 5lb bags its a super convient snack when you decide to steal them from the shelf, no evidence...
For starters people have this tendency to preform bodily functions at inopportune times and places. Three times this weekend I walked past people in the socket aisle and they totally farted. Not like a small release, but like an audible head turning rumble. I wonder if they were giving out free bean burritos in the parking lot?
I also noticed that people have a problem holding their food in their bodies. Its understandable when a small child pukes, but adults throwing up in aisles due to drug use and or intoxication is a bit much. Twice in the recent past I have turned a corner to encounter projectiles.
Then there is the poop. Last summer someone pooped in the specialty screw aisle. Really, who drops their pants and drops a #2 in a hardware store. And lately their has been a trend of parents leaving dirty diapers in the children's play area. There are garbage cans and bathrooms, yet people still choose to leave these stink bombs in carts, on chairs and on the floor.
In general, besides the bodily semi solids, people are slobs on the west side. On the nights that I have the privilege of sweeping up the store I get to clean an assortment of food items. You get your standard gum wrappers and candy, but often times there are chips, peanut shells and sunflower seed shells. This is not Texas roadhouse, its a home improvement store! How do you think that it is remotely OK to eat peanuts and throw the shells on the floor? Shelled peanuts are an awkward snack to choose while you peruse drill bits? Wait i forgot, we sell them in 5lb bags its a super convient snack when you decide to steal them from the shelf, no evidence...
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Stinky
So why do people not bathe or wash their clothes?I don't understand it, it's 2011 and there is this new fangled thing called plumbing. It brings running water to you when ever you like. No walking to the river with a bucket, just turn on the faucet and tada!
People really smell that come into my store. It has to be bad when I smell them seeing as my nose is always stuffy. If I can smell you, you have a problem. I would like to hand out soap at the entrance to the store, but then would they use it? I may have to go back to spraying febreeze after stinkers walk away.
So today I had a gentleman who was rather ethnic get mad at me and start yelling. I calming told him off without raising my voice letting him know I don't deserve to be yelled at. It didn't help the situation, he got madder. The guy smelled horrible, and was yelling at me! I was relieved when I walked away and didn't have to hear or smell him. Maybe he was really mad because he could smell himself.
People really smell that come into my store. It has to be bad when I smell them seeing as my nose is always stuffy. If I can smell you, you have a problem. I would like to hand out soap at the entrance to the store, but then would they use it? I may have to go back to spraying febreeze after stinkers walk away.
So today I had a gentleman who was rather ethnic get mad at me and start yelling. I calming told him off without raising my voice letting him know I don't deserve to be yelled at. It didn't help the situation, he got madder. The guy smelled horrible, and was yelling at me! I was relieved when I walked away and didn't have to hear or smell him. Maybe he was really mad because he could smell himself.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
This just in.... Mobile reports
Greetings from the dungeon of despair. I downloaded the mobile app today, so I can report from in the field of failure. Today has been typical, only one extreme assaholic. Even when your nice to some people they are just crappy. Although this guy who was up there in the meanness category actually admitted he was wrong and apologized! I guess he may be making steps to becoming a better person, the first step is supposed to be admitting your an ass.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Sharing Is Not Caring
My days at my big box bonanza have to be numbered! Things are just getting more bizarre and more retarded. Yesterday the closing manager who is a nice person, but lacks in motivation to do anything work related decided she was sick. So she left work early. Then another of my coworkers called in. This had the potential to be a horrifying evening, leaving one me to cover about half of the store. The poor guy who tried to call in was actually sick, but they made him come in because the other manager had left. He needed a box of Kleenex to make it through his shift and they wouldn't even let him go early. Talk about mean Corporate America, they would rather have you in misery on the clock spreading germs, than let you stay home so that you can return and be more productive.
Friday night I had to work at night again, my least favorite shift. And before I took a snickers break I decided to wash my hands. As I approached the restroom there was some strange yelling and a waft of unpleasant odor. Yes, it is a toilet and people do poop there. But this was a mix of flame broiled with Lysol and nasty. As, I turned the corner into the sink area I notice there was a rather drug influenced gentleman in the ladies room. He was on his cell phone and yelling at someone. His phone was plugged into the wall underneath the soap dispenser, which was dripping on the cord because in his adamant gestures he kept pulling the cord against the flipper that releases the soap. As he was talking he is flopping his Whopper around releasing bits of lettuce and chewing on a Twizzler in which its Twizzler friends were scattered on the floor and in the sinks. This guy was highly under the influence of a controlled substance, my guess crack. So I did a 180 and walked back out to find a co worker to help me confront his guy. One thing I am certain of is to not confront crack heads in confined quarters without the buddy system. When I found a friend to give me a hand he was like, "That's a guy in the ladies room! Sir you can't be in the ladies room". It took a minute for the guy to gather up his whopper and errant Twizzlers, and while he did he just set his phone in the soap pile. He picked it up and put the soapy thing in his pocket with the Twizzlers, and took off.
One more brief candy related story. Again during a snickers break (they happen daily), I had an encounter with a less than savory individual. As I walked outside the store to more car and I was snacking he asked me for a bite of my candy bar. This wasn't a little kid, or a homeless person. It was a certifiable pervert. Maybe my lesson should be to not have a snickers break. Maybe the big on chocolate not on fat three musketeers would be a better option.
Friday night I had to work at night again, my least favorite shift. And before I took a snickers break I decided to wash my hands. As I approached the restroom there was some strange yelling and a waft of unpleasant odor. Yes, it is a toilet and people do poop there. But this was a mix of flame broiled with Lysol and nasty. As, I turned the corner into the sink area I notice there was a rather drug influenced gentleman in the ladies room. He was on his cell phone and yelling at someone. His phone was plugged into the wall underneath the soap dispenser, which was dripping on the cord because in his adamant gestures he kept pulling the cord against the flipper that releases the soap. As he was talking he is flopping his Whopper around releasing bits of lettuce and chewing on a Twizzler in which its Twizzler friends were scattered on the floor and in the sinks. This guy was highly under the influence of a controlled substance, my guess crack. So I did a 180 and walked back out to find a co worker to help me confront his guy. One thing I am certain of is to not confront crack heads in confined quarters without the buddy system. When I found a friend to give me a hand he was like, "That's a guy in the ladies room! Sir you can't be in the ladies room". It took a minute for the guy to gather up his whopper and errant Twizzlers, and while he did he just set his phone in the soap pile. He picked it up and put the soapy thing in his pocket with the Twizzlers, and took off.
One more brief candy related story. Again during a snickers break (they happen daily), I had an encounter with a less than savory individual. As I walked outside the store to more car and I was snacking he asked me for a bite of my candy bar. This wasn't a little kid, or a homeless person. It was a certifiable pervert. Maybe my lesson should be to not have a snickers break. Maybe the big on chocolate not on fat three musketeers would be a better option.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Wacky Weekend
So usually I don't write about all the details of working, just the off the wall parts. So i thought I would just give you a slice of a typical day. Today was a very average day of ups and downs in the world of retail. I started a nice quiet Sunday morning picking up pots that were a strewn about the garden center, very typical. Then I was asked to mover some bird baths. This in itself is not terrible, the problem developed when I went to pick one up. Yep they were concrete with a total weight as assembled of 180 lbs. Naturally being a smart cookie I took them apart and created a 40lb piece and an 140 lb piece. Right off the bat I dropped one of the 40lb pieces, and in the juggling and rolling and tipping of the heavier part I managed to break two bases in half. They were so much easier to pick up and put in the garbage that way!
I spent most of the rest of the day assembling generators. Pretty fun stuff actually. Except when both of the other team members on the clock go on lunch at the same time, which happens to be at 12:30 when we are getting a rush. It makes me so happy to rush around the store like a crazy person trying to answer the phone, help people in person and make sure the front end gets the right numbers to check out people.
During the craziness, there was a really nice customer. She drove to our store from another store that was about a half hour away looking for a product that the other store told her we had. We didn't have it, and I looked everywhere, which I really rarely do for someone. She was so nice and polite and such a change from our stores typical clientle.
Sadly, immediately after I had a lady ask for help with mouse traps that are on rebate. She was the opposite of the nice lady. She grabbed this weeks ad from my hands, folded it to what she wanted and then threw it on the desk in front of me. At that point I was ready to make a break for the door, but I took her to the product, reassuring her that I was going to help her get the mouse traps. I took her right to the item, and put it in her cart, and she continued to be evil. As she complained about my coworkers intelligence I was expecting her head to begin spinning and pea soup to come out. As I left her I told her that I hope the full case of mouse traps that she was purchasing would be enough to handle her infestation, and that if needed we have rat traps.
The rest of my day was full of unremarkable people who were looking for bedbug spray, flag holders, car jacks and weed whackers. Yesterday I did have a woman call from a suburban store looking for a weed whacker that we have and another store was lacking. As I gave her directions to the hood, she asked if it was a safe neighborhood. After talking to this lady for way too longer with all her annoying questions, I didn't sugar coat it. I told her that someone was killed behind the store earlier this summer, but that was OK because he was shot by the police. I could just hear her face drop over the phone. Then she asked me " Why do you work there"? I answered that I need a job and that the checks don't bounce, but it made me think. Really why do I work there?
I spent most of the rest of the day assembling generators. Pretty fun stuff actually. Except when both of the other team members on the clock go on lunch at the same time, which happens to be at 12:30 when we are getting a rush. It makes me so happy to rush around the store like a crazy person trying to answer the phone, help people in person and make sure the front end gets the right numbers to check out people.
During the craziness, there was a really nice customer. She drove to our store from another store that was about a half hour away looking for a product that the other store told her we had. We didn't have it, and I looked everywhere, which I really rarely do for someone. She was so nice and polite and such a change from our stores typical clientle.
Sadly, immediately after I had a lady ask for help with mouse traps that are on rebate. She was the opposite of the nice lady. She grabbed this weeks ad from my hands, folded it to what she wanted and then threw it on the desk in front of me. At that point I was ready to make a break for the door, but I took her to the product, reassuring her that I was going to help her get the mouse traps. I took her right to the item, and put it in her cart, and she continued to be evil. As she complained about my coworkers intelligence I was expecting her head to begin spinning and pea soup to come out. As I left her I told her that I hope the full case of mouse traps that she was purchasing would be enough to handle her infestation, and that if needed we have rat traps.
The rest of my day was full of unremarkable people who were looking for bedbug spray, flag holders, car jacks and weed whackers. Yesterday I did have a woman call from a suburban store looking for a weed whacker that we have and another store was lacking. As I gave her directions to the hood, she asked if it was a safe neighborhood. After talking to this lady for way too longer with all her annoying questions, I didn't sugar coat it. I told her that someone was killed behind the store earlier this summer, but that was OK because he was shot by the police. I could just hear her face drop over the phone. Then she asked me " Why do you work there"? I answered that I need a job and that the checks don't bounce, but it made me think. Really why do I work there?
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Stories from the weekend
As predicted I did get to hear interesting stories from my coworkers weekends. One of the guys from another department usually has some good ones from going to the clubs.
A bit about my friend before I tell you his stories, hes in his early 20's and is kind of a recent immigrant to the US. Hes used to how things were back in the old country to an extent and is amazed at some of his experiences in the clubs in Chicago. For instance, recently at a club they were playing some old school 80's music that encourages break dancing. So being his interesting self he decides to bust a move. Apparently back in the old country he was on some break dancing team, and no one suspects that a skinny white kid can get down old school. I would have loved to see this in person, but luckily there are cell phone cameras that capture the moment. Being the new kid on the block got him some gripe from the more colorful patrons of the establishment, but it also caught him some ladies.
His latest story from the weekend involved dancing with a rather drunk 40ish woman that was looking for a little younger hookup. She bought him a few drinks and started more than grinding on him. In his description all of a sudden her leg was on my shoulder on the dance floor.Meanwhile, another one of my co workers was dancing with a "lady" near by and when the guy with the cougar was trying to get his attention to tell him he was leaving with her he realized that my naive friend was infact dancing with a guy wearing a dress. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but my unsuspecting polish friend was not expecting this "hot chick" to be a dude.
A bit about my friend before I tell you his stories, hes in his early 20's and is kind of a recent immigrant to the US. Hes used to how things were back in the old country to an extent and is amazed at some of his experiences in the clubs in Chicago. For instance, recently at a club they were playing some old school 80's music that encourages break dancing. So being his interesting self he decides to bust a move. Apparently back in the old country he was on some break dancing team, and no one suspects that a skinny white kid can get down old school. I would have loved to see this in person, but luckily there are cell phone cameras that capture the moment. Being the new kid on the block got him some gripe from the more colorful patrons of the establishment, but it also caught him some ladies.
His latest story from the weekend involved dancing with a rather drunk 40ish woman that was looking for a little younger hookup. She bought him a few drinks and started more than grinding on him. In his description all of a sudden her leg was on my shoulder on the dance floor.Meanwhile, another one of my co workers was dancing with a "lady" near by and when the guy with the cougar was trying to get his attention to tell him he was leaving with her he realized that my naive friend was infact dancing with a guy wearing a dress. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but my unsuspecting polish friend was not expecting this "hot chick" to be a dude.
Monday, September 12, 2011
A case of the Mondays
So as I sit here not wanting to go to work on a Monday morning I can't help but think that its not just Mondays that I don't want to go to work. Days that end in y are pretty much the days that I don't want to attend. Sometimes Mondays aren't the worst day of the week, especially when I work the weekend and a Monday is like a Friday.
One of the worst things is coming in and hearing from coworkers how the weekend was when they were working. I avoid thinking about work when I am not there, but when I walk in the door and there is a barrage of questions backed up from the weekend, or more than a few stories of hellish customers, it brings more of a downer. Then there is Nancy who works in the story, Nancy is very negative. She has worked for the company way too long, and her negative just rubs off on everyone. Sour grapes would be sweet compared to her attitude. I've tried helping Nancy with some stuff outside of work to maybe think that it would help her overall outlook of not niceness. But, no Nancy is just plain old bitter and spiteful. If she saw the wicked witch get a house dropped on her, she would simply say that there's another old bitty lined up to take her place. Maybe someone should drop a house on Nancy to improve her charm.
But nonetheless, today is a Monday and I get to look forward to being asked where the paint department is, where are the strews, and an assortment of other odd questions from customers and fellow team members. Maybe today I will be lucky and I won't get forced into being a cashier, or get hit with a 2x4, or have to listen to people complain about their jobs. Today can go smoothly and cheerfully.
One of the worst things is coming in and hearing from coworkers how the weekend was when they were working. I avoid thinking about work when I am not there, but when I walk in the door and there is a barrage of questions backed up from the weekend, or more than a few stories of hellish customers, it brings more of a downer. Then there is Nancy who works in the story, Nancy is very negative. She has worked for the company way too long, and her negative just rubs off on everyone. Sour grapes would be sweet compared to her attitude. I've tried helping Nancy with some stuff outside of work to maybe think that it would help her overall outlook of not niceness. But, no Nancy is just plain old bitter and spiteful. If she saw the wicked witch get a house dropped on her, she would simply say that there's another old bitty lined up to take her place. Maybe someone should drop a house on Nancy to improve her charm.
But nonetheless, today is a Monday and I get to look forward to being asked where the paint department is, where are the strews, and an assortment of other odd questions from customers and fellow team members. Maybe today I will be lucky and I won't get forced into being a cashier, or get hit with a 2x4, or have to listen to people complain about their jobs. Today can go smoothly and cheerfully.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Anniversarys
So this week I "celebrated" my 8th anniversary of working for my company. Its not really a thing to celebrate in my book. Am I grateful I've had a job for the past 8 years, sure. Am I happy with the job I have, no. Today I told someone that it was my anniversary at work, and the were like, "Oh, I'm sorry. I've only been here 6 years and I want to quit". That kindof makes me feel like an ass hole.
There are some of positives of working in the same company for so long:
1. I have an extensive collection of polyester polo shirts. They are unflattering and over sized, but the sheer abundance of them allows me to go over a week without doing laundry.
2. I get to meet some of the most interesting people. There is the nutty chicken lady who lives in the city and has chickens running around her house, and tells me interesting stories about growing up in Germany. There is the crazy old guy with the drunk son who comes in like twice a day trying to come up with new schemes to fix his house. He always has the same stories about the westside neighborhood back in the 1940's. Ooo theres the one strange tall guy who comes dressed in different costumes. Sometimes hes wearing a hat that looks like he should be in a rice patty. Other times he looks like a biker with leather pants. I haven't really talked to him too much cause hes kindof scary, but hes interesting.
3. I do have great co workers. As much as I don't like my job the people I work with are the reason I keep attending. There are a few who I can't stand and would like to throw under a bus, but for the most part people I work with are good shit.
4. Where else could I work that I would get to make people feel stupid every day? I know its not very nice to make people feel dumb, but it makes me laugh when people ask where the bathroom is in my store when I am in the main aisle. Its not as fun when I'm farther away, but if I'm in the main aisle and I tell them to turn around and read the 10 ft long neon green electric sign that says restrooms. It makes me laugh on the inside and they feel stupid.
There are some of positives of working in the same company for so long:
1. I have an extensive collection of polyester polo shirts. They are unflattering and over sized, but the sheer abundance of them allows me to go over a week without doing laundry.
2. I get to meet some of the most interesting people. There is the nutty chicken lady who lives in the city and has chickens running around her house, and tells me interesting stories about growing up in Germany. There is the crazy old guy with the drunk son who comes in like twice a day trying to come up with new schemes to fix his house. He always has the same stories about the westside neighborhood back in the 1940's. Ooo theres the one strange tall guy who comes dressed in different costumes. Sometimes hes wearing a hat that looks like he should be in a rice patty. Other times he looks like a biker with leather pants. I haven't really talked to him too much cause hes kindof scary, but hes interesting.
3. I do have great co workers. As much as I don't like my job the people I work with are the reason I keep attending. There are a few who I can't stand and would like to throw under a bus, but for the most part people I work with are good shit.
4. Where else could I work that I would get to make people feel stupid every day? I know its not very nice to make people feel dumb, but it makes me laugh when people ask where the bathroom is in my store when I am in the main aisle. Its not as fun when I'm farther away, but if I'm in the main aisle and I tell them to turn around and read the 10 ft long neon green electric sign that says restrooms. It makes me laugh on the inside and they feel stupid.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Sidewalk Sales
So this week the general dictator at my store decided it would be a stupendous idea to have a sidewalk sale in front of the store. Nothing says good old fashioned savings like throwing a few tables out front of a store and selling some old crap that no one has purchased at lower prices. The only problem with this scenario is that my store is on the West Side of Chicago. Instead of buy me, all of the items neatly arrayed on tables scream steal me, and run quick there is no door to stop you!
Being deemed one of the expendable people with no definite purpose at the store I had the honor of baby sitting the tables of junk for the past two days. Its not a terrible job, answer questions on how much things cost and where to pay. But I was exposed to some of the most interesting people.
First off, I have pretty clear handwriting. One of my fellow co workers couldn't stop complementing me on my handwriting during this whole ordeal (that person is a whole other story of booze and bewilderment), I guess having learned the Palmer method in grade school puts me ahead in life. So I make these nice, clear, concise 5x7 signs and place them directly below each item. Needless to say I was asked, cuanto cuesta, more times than I can count.
The little annoyance of being asked dumb questions isn't the kicker of the experience. It kind of goes along with how I don't really care about my job. One of the items was a box cutter that was priced at 2 bucks, and it had a 2 dollar rebate, making it pretty much free. So what is the item that I saw go into a pocket, and found the most empty packages, its this dumb knife. I just cant wait until the homeys that took them try to use them, they are so poorly made that it won't even cut the packaging that they were in.
I did get to be exposed to some team members from throughout the store who I only see in passing. It was nice to hear some interesting stories about going to clubs and getting smacked around by ladies, stories of strippers, and explanations on why the state of Florida is getting bigger because of global warming. Its kindof fun to just listen and nod your head without laughing out loud.
Some of the best observations at work are always from the customers. One middle aged couple saw this super sale item and just had to have it. They talked my ear off on how it was the best item ever and how its going to make their house so awesome. They have a teal colored bathroom, and they wanted to spice it up with a bit more color. And it was their luck that we had the perfect item reduced to 100 from 600. Now I have seen my share of ugly house products but this one is in the top ten of 2011. It is a desert rose pink 3 piece preformed shower, 7 ft tall of pure pepto. And then picture the nasty of a teal and pink bathroom, it makes me think of Miami Vice.
One of the best guests I've had in a while came in today. As he walked up I knew there was something off, he had a bit of a stagger and a slight list. The other problem he had was when he got dressed to come to the hardware he put on a blue shirt, long black socks, and white shoes. The black socks and white shoes isn't the height of fashion, but its tolerable if you remember the rest of your outfit, especially to apply pants. This gentleman was wearing boxers without pants. You might shrug it off and say, oh they were just running shorts, or some 80's short shorts. Nope, they were boxers, and the fly didn't have a button closure. So between the tables of stuff and this guy I definitely saw enough junk today.
Being deemed one of the expendable people with no definite purpose at the store I had the honor of baby sitting the tables of junk for the past two days. Its not a terrible job, answer questions on how much things cost and where to pay. But I was exposed to some of the most interesting people.
First off, I have pretty clear handwriting. One of my fellow co workers couldn't stop complementing me on my handwriting during this whole ordeal (that person is a whole other story of booze and bewilderment), I guess having learned the Palmer method in grade school puts me ahead in life. So I make these nice, clear, concise 5x7 signs and place them directly below each item. Needless to say I was asked, cuanto cuesta, more times than I can count.
The little annoyance of being asked dumb questions isn't the kicker of the experience. It kind of goes along with how I don't really care about my job. One of the items was a box cutter that was priced at 2 bucks, and it had a 2 dollar rebate, making it pretty much free. So what is the item that I saw go into a pocket, and found the most empty packages, its this dumb knife. I just cant wait until the homeys that took them try to use them, they are so poorly made that it won't even cut the packaging that they were in.
I did get to be exposed to some team members from throughout the store who I only see in passing. It was nice to hear some interesting stories about going to clubs and getting smacked around by ladies, stories of strippers, and explanations on why the state of Florida is getting bigger because of global warming. Its kindof fun to just listen and nod your head without laughing out loud.
Some of the best observations at work are always from the customers. One middle aged couple saw this super sale item and just had to have it. They talked my ear off on how it was the best item ever and how its going to make their house so awesome. They have a teal colored bathroom, and they wanted to spice it up with a bit more color. And it was their luck that we had the perfect item reduced to 100 from 600. Now I have seen my share of ugly house products but this one is in the top ten of 2011. It is a desert rose pink 3 piece preformed shower, 7 ft tall of pure pepto. And then picture the nasty of a teal and pink bathroom, it makes me think of Miami Vice.
One of the best guests I've had in a while came in today. As he walked up I knew there was something off, he had a bit of a stagger and a slight list. The other problem he had was when he got dressed to come to the hardware he put on a blue shirt, long black socks, and white shoes. The black socks and white shoes isn't the height of fashion, but its tolerable if you remember the rest of your outfit, especially to apply pants. This gentleman was wearing boxers without pants. You might shrug it off and say, oh they were just running shorts, or some 80's short shorts. Nope, they were boxers, and the fly didn't have a button closure. So between the tables of stuff and this guy I definitely saw enough junk today.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Strews
So in working in the elegant community that I am so fortunate to travel to every day. Our guests come up with their own terms for items. One of the most common is the strew. Of the odd names people come up with its really not that far off from its actual name of screw. But its kindof funny when you are spending your day working in the screw aisle to get a chuckle when someone calls you ignant for not finding the screw for their babies crib that they bought out of a back of a truck with no hardware.
Working in the screw aisle is one of the most miserable things to do at my store. Some people like it because its a time waster, but I see it more like serving time. There are over 3,000 different screws in the aisle, each put out of place. It like a lego set without the instructions, or mixing 3 of those 10,000 piece puzzles together without having the picture of any of them to figure out which way is up. It gets frustrating trying to find the stuff, then add of the stupidity of people coming to purchase screws.People are under the impression that we will have every screw ever made just for them, and it will be cheap. They bring in broken pieces of Chinese made crap and think through the power of hardware I can solve their problems for 15 cents.
Working in the screw aisle is one of the most miserable things to do at my store. Some people like it because its a time waster, but I see it more like serving time. There are over 3,000 different screws in the aisle, each put out of place. It like a lego set without the instructions, or mixing 3 of those 10,000 piece puzzles together without having the picture of any of them to figure out which way is up. It gets frustrating trying to find the stuff, then add of the stupidity of people coming to purchase screws.People are under the impression that we will have every screw ever made just for them, and it will be cheap. They bring in broken pieces of Chinese made crap and think through the power of hardware I can solve their problems for 15 cents.
Friday, August 12, 2011
In store announcements
If you lived through the 80's or earlier you remember the commercials with the K mart blue light special. Where a person gets on the intercom at the store and announces some great deal within the store. Well, at my store we don't have a blue light, and we really don't have any great deal. But... We do have in store announcements.
Lately they have been pushing some obscure items, such as a 3 piece sectional couch at a hardware store. Its weird, like I want to buy my living room furnishings where i buy my toilet seat. Anyways, we get over the intercom and announce these great deals. I am unfortunately the designated person for announcing the garden departments specials. I get the esteemed privilege of using my best fake happy voice to promote big savings on items. Luckily I speak clearly and with even pace so I am understandable, but once and a while we get another department that no one can understand what was said.
Its pretty funny when you are a coworker to hear someone mess up, but when the customers come up to you and ask what the announcement was, you have to be clever and come up with something. Sometimes i tell them its a sale on paint, very general and directed in the opposite direction of where I work. Other times I tell them it is about something that I know is on sale in my department, and i can maybe convince them into buying more junk.
So listen up next time your in a store, you might be missing out on a steal, a deal and a bargain.
Lately they have been pushing some obscure items, such as a 3 piece sectional couch at a hardware store. Its weird, like I want to buy my living room furnishings where i buy my toilet seat. Anyways, we get over the intercom and announce these great deals. I am unfortunately the designated person for announcing the garden departments specials. I get the esteemed privilege of using my best fake happy voice to promote big savings on items. Luckily I speak clearly and with even pace so I am understandable, but once and a while we get another department that no one can understand what was said.
Its pretty funny when you are a coworker to hear someone mess up, but when the customers come up to you and ask what the announcement was, you have to be clever and come up with something. Sometimes i tell them its a sale on paint, very general and directed in the opposite direction of where I work. Other times I tell them it is about something that I know is on sale in my department, and i can maybe convince them into buying more junk.
So listen up next time your in a store, you might be missing out on a steal, a deal and a bargain.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
The Dreaded Voxes
So, part of the pleasure of working in retail is working on the weekends. What is a better way to spend a nice sunny Sunday afternoon then helping people select the best shrubbery for their home? My schedule allows me to get the fullest of the weekend working experience, cramming 40 hours into four days!
Part of the joy of working weekends are the variety of guests. Working at a home improvement center (glorified hardware store), there are all sorts of weekend warriors trying to fix things. People who aren't your Monday thru Friday shoppers, who come in for the sales on RC cola or 2x4's. And then there are the unique set of folks who turn out at my store. Being happily situated on the West Side of Chicago we get more than our fare share of people who have rather heavily accented English. Some are non native speakers, while others are experts in the flow of Ebonics.
Today I had one such guest who by virtue of her royal blue weave was one of the later types of guests. She began our exchange by shouting across three aisles "Hey you, yeah you, come ova here". This is always the best way to get me in a chipper mood and achieve optimum guest service. So as "Smiled and said Hi!" she asked me her question. She was looking for very special items, the rare and elusive Voxes. I really didn't hear what she said the first time, so I asked her to repeat it " What are you stupid, I lookin for Voxes, don't you be tellin me you ain't got no Voxes up in ...".
So what perchance are Voxes? First thought was that they were creatures from the Fireswap in The Princess Bride. But I am a purely logical person and I know that movie is a fairy tale. So utilizing my deductive reasoning and nine years of college experience I devised what exactly Voxes are and aren't.
Option 1: A box from Venezuela. To be termed an authentic Venezulain Vox there are certain pureity standards. It must be plastic and wood. The plastics are made from the refined socialist oil of dictatorship, while the wood is virgin rain forest cut by virgin nuns. This box is strong enough to hold back military coups but gentle enough to carry bananas.
Option 2: A vox is a cross beteween a Vole and a Fox. They are small and compact as a Vole, but a cunning elusive predator like the Fox. Voxes are viewed as vermin in their native habitats, most particularly in fields of oxen.
Option 3: A combination of 1 and 2. Voxes are exported from their native Venezuela in special Vox crates. They are kept as attack animals for protection against home invasion in lucrative communities, such as the neighborhood my store is located.
Sadly not one of my guesses was correct. As I asked the guest follow up questions like " What is it used for", "What color is it", "Is it for inside or outside the home". I came to a much less exciting conclusion. The guest wanted a flower pot. My best guess was that thinking its not a box, and its not a vase she thought it must be called a Vox.
Part of the joy of working weekends are the variety of guests. Working at a home improvement center (glorified hardware store), there are all sorts of weekend warriors trying to fix things. People who aren't your Monday thru Friday shoppers, who come in for the sales on RC cola or 2x4's. And then there are the unique set of folks who turn out at my store. Being happily situated on the West Side of Chicago we get more than our fare share of people who have rather heavily accented English. Some are non native speakers, while others are experts in the flow of Ebonics.
Today I had one such guest who by virtue of her royal blue weave was one of the later types of guests. She began our exchange by shouting across three aisles "Hey you, yeah you, come ova here". This is always the best way to get me in a chipper mood and achieve optimum guest service. So as "Smiled and said Hi!" she asked me her question. She was looking for very special items, the rare and elusive Voxes. I really didn't hear what she said the first time, so I asked her to repeat it " What are you stupid, I lookin for Voxes, don't you be tellin me you ain't got no Voxes up in ...".
So what perchance are Voxes? First thought was that they were creatures from the Fireswap in The Princess Bride. But I am a purely logical person and I know that movie is a fairy tale. So utilizing my deductive reasoning and nine years of college experience I devised what exactly Voxes are and aren't.
Option 1: A box from Venezuela. To be termed an authentic Venezulain Vox there are certain pureity standards. It must be plastic and wood. The plastics are made from the refined socialist oil of dictatorship, while the wood is virgin rain forest cut by virgin nuns. This box is strong enough to hold back military coups but gentle enough to carry bananas.
Option 2: A vox is a cross beteween a Vole and a Fox. They are small and compact as a Vole, but a cunning elusive predator like the Fox. Voxes are viewed as vermin in their native habitats, most particularly in fields of oxen.
Option 3: A combination of 1 and 2. Voxes are exported from their native Venezuela in special Vox crates. They are kept as attack animals for protection against home invasion in lucrative communities, such as the neighborhood my store is located.
Sadly not one of my guesses was correct. As I asked the guest follow up questions like " What is it used for", "What color is it", "Is it for inside or outside the home". I came to a much less exciting conclusion. The guest wanted a flower pot. My best guess was that thinking its not a box, and its not a vase she thought it must be called a Vox.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Groovin to the Tunes
So, most retail establishments have light music playing in the background. It drowns out strange bangs from machinery, and occasional product falling off the shelf on its own. It also helps employees keep or loose a bit of their sanity.
At my big box we have an eclectic mix of everything playing in the background. Most of it is top 40, and occasional country (thats why I know all those strange country lyrics). And most of it is not played by its original artist. We are the store of bad cover bands. Really, Taylor swift covered with a punk rock type singer, not so good.
People who work at the store can't help but hearing the songs all day everyday, so we all learn the lyrics. When there is a storm that blows out our satellite radio and there is silence, pretty much all of us look up at the ceiling to the speakers wondering when our brain washing cues will return.
I personally have a tendency to sing the songs I like out loud in the aisles when i am stocking shelves. But there are other co workers who are a bit more extreme. One of our cart guys walks around singing all the time. But the songs he is singing aren't the ones on the radio. He sings a bit of R&B, some gangsta rap, and occasional oldies. Its funny to walk by him when he is really into one of his songs. Hes kind of groovin, snapping his fingers and moving his head to the songs. Recently he was so into one of his songs that happened to have profanity, he was absently walking down an aisle singing about bitches and hoes. One of the colorful guests in the store was slightly offended and got up in his face about how "he be messing with the wrong shit". His face was priceless, deer in the headlights type look. He had no idea what he had done.
So next time your in a store, give a listen to the background music, then give a look around at the workers. Maybe you will find a rare gem that could be the next American idol.
At my big box we have an eclectic mix of everything playing in the background. Most of it is top 40, and occasional country (thats why I know all those strange country lyrics). And most of it is not played by its original artist. We are the store of bad cover bands. Really, Taylor swift covered with a punk rock type singer, not so good.
People who work at the store can't help but hearing the songs all day everyday, so we all learn the lyrics. When there is a storm that blows out our satellite radio and there is silence, pretty much all of us look up at the ceiling to the speakers wondering when our brain washing cues will return.
I personally have a tendency to sing the songs I like out loud in the aisles when i am stocking shelves. But there are other co workers who are a bit more extreme. One of our cart guys walks around singing all the time. But the songs he is singing aren't the ones on the radio. He sings a bit of R&B, some gangsta rap, and occasional oldies. Its funny to walk by him when he is really into one of his songs. Hes kind of groovin, snapping his fingers and moving his head to the songs. Recently he was so into one of his songs that happened to have profanity, he was absently walking down an aisle singing about bitches and hoes. One of the colorful guests in the store was slightly offended and got up in his face about how "he be messing with the wrong shit". His face was priceless, deer in the headlights type look. He had no idea what he had done.
So next time your in a store, give a listen to the background music, then give a look around at the workers. Maybe you will find a rare gem that could be the next American idol.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Greetings
So for a while people have suggested that I should blog about my super wonderful expereinces in the world of retail sales. As I am about to hit my 8 year anniversary as a peon in the world of the big box, I am burned out and ready to crack. So, perhaps blogging will become a creative outlet that will prevent me from reliving the ending to office space, without the red swing line stapler.
Lets face it, there are two kinds of people who work retail. The first are the people who are genuinely happy to be working with the public selling a product or service that they feel is the best thing since sliced bread. These are usually the people who aren't the brightest crayons in the box, or they have sold their souls to the retail devil in exchange for a 25 cent an hour raise into management.
The second are the people who can't stand working with the stupid people who shop at their store and or the type one co workers. Type twos are usually over educated for their position with at least some college. They have been trapped in this retail nightmare due to the shitty economy, or they get sucked into the retail mindset that "they pay me good money, and I can't get another job that pays this much".
So as you gathered from the intro, I fall into the latter group, the bitter and spiteful minions. I could have been doing the same level of work had i dropped out of high school at sixteen instead of going to college for nine years. I am like most type twos, I can't afford to quit due to bills. My crazy student loan payment is what ties me to the time clock. I try to be nice to the people who come in and shop, its not their fault I work at the box. But I have a really fake smile. One benefit of my job is that I do meet a lot of interesting people who work with me, and complete whack jobs who come into the store to shop.
So welcome to my story about my interesting experiences in the world of retail.
Lets face it, there are two kinds of people who work retail. The first are the people who are genuinely happy to be working with the public selling a product or service that they feel is the best thing since sliced bread. These are usually the people who aren't the brightest crayons in the box, or they have sold their souls to the retail devil in exchange for a 25 cent an hour raise into management.
The second are the people who can't stand working with the stupid people who shop at their store and or the type one co workers. Type twos are usually over educated for their position with at least some college. They have been trapped in this retail nightmare due to the shitty economy, or they get sucked into the retail mindset that "they pay me good money, and I can't get another job that pays this much".
So as you gathered from the intro, I fall into the latter group, the bitter and spiteful minions. I could have been doing the same level of work had i dropped out of high school at sixteen instead of going to college for nine years. I am like most type twos, I can't afford to quit due to bills. My crazy student loan payment is what ties me to the time clock. I try to be nice to the people who come in and shop, its not their fault I work at the box. But I have a really fake smile. One benefit of my job is that I do meet a lot of interesting people who work with me, and complete whack jobs who come into the store to shop.
So welcome to my story about my interesting experiences in the world of retail.
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